A forgotten birthday

On Saturday when I was travelling in my car I came across a college where my friend had once studied. She was a friend, a roomie and one of the first buddies in an aliented world. I remember her crying when I had to go to my hometown and very excited when I come back. Someone who used to be very much happy with my birthday or any other occasions for that matter.  I used to wish her a day in advance coz I used to forget the date. But this year, I think for the first time she has forgotten my birthday and it hurts.Its as if everyone has moved forward, become busy but I was still in my hostel. I know I shouldn't be sad and just accept the fact that people change but somewhere changes like these hurt

a big 40

So it was my 40th birthday on Dec 24, 2024.

It was supposed to be a day to remember but I was not in a good mood. I don't want the next year to be the same as the past 2 years so we ( ie, N & me) have decided it's gonna be different. We are getting our bike and going places. I just hope the plan doesn't stay just another plan and we get moving.

To 2025

All that we need

 All that we need 

is a place filled with love

All that we need

is a home filled with laughter

All that we need 

is a home to share the warmth

All that we need

is a place to hoard our books

All that we need

is a person we called 'home'

All that we need

Is a place called home

Into the 40s

As on December 2024 I would be entering the 40. So 2025 is going to be about the change I would like to bring. It's about travel and lots of soul searching. I am tired of waiting for the curtains for fall or whatever it is called. So this year I am gonna travel

One year

 It's been one year since the incident that led to a everlasting change in my life. An year of the lowest I had ever been.An year of recovery where it is not yet over but I am happy to be alive. Just alive but not exactly happy. An year where I came to know who my true friends are. I am still struggling with my every day life, finding it difficult to say words properly and still having difficulty in getting proper sentences but I am striving every day.

It's been a year of stroke affected food habits high restrictions on things I used to take lightly before. 

I am still trying to get sentences together but I am getting there. I have a long way to go...but I will be there

work-life balance

I work in an institution that talks highly about work- life balance.

They exhibit the importance of taking care of our family by posting us in different centres every 3 years

My supervisor starts 'whatsapping' me as early as 7am about the tasks and the targets while I'm busy in the kitchen not realising that others have more to life than just work. And of course as per the company policy, WhatsApp is not an official mode of communication.

Everyday, there is some 'login day' and if not achieved what follows is the most demeaning mode of meetings where a human is ridiculed infront of all her colleagues. Somehow, this is an acceptable norm here. 

The concept of enjoying my work is non existent and I no longer enjoy going to my work place

All these thought have been looming in my head for a very long time when I heard the news about a colleague/ friend. A gentleman, a senior, a soft spoken guy who never got involved in any branch politics and mainly kept to himself has been pushed to the edge of taking his own life due to work pressure. He had hardly 10 months of service left and this single thing is what people will recollect of him and not the 30+ years of untarnished work he has done 

Sad state of affairs with no hopes of recovery

I wish I could do something to change the way it's progressing but I am just getting pulled deeper into this shift with no way out

The forgotten art of writing letters

Writing letters...I would say it's a dying art. It's sad the beauty of a well drafted hand written letter will not be available to the younger generation.

The only post we recieve nowadays are the bills and notices, i can't remember the last time I got a well crafted personal letter from anyone. There was a time when I would recieve beautiful long letters from my friends but it no longer exists. 

The world of texting, WhatsApp and other technologies have taken over our lives. I agree that it's real time, convenient and we can share more than just words. Express through photos and emoticons. But i still miss the beauty of a letter or a note that's complete with small gifts or the small hearts we drew before emoticons came.

I wish I could write to someone like before and they would reply to me in their new letterpad which smells like roses and is filled with love. Not a love for me alone but for the forgotten art of writing letters

I dreamt of you

I dreamt of you last night

How you stood under a tree

And waited for me to see

I dreamt coz i saw your name

In another dame

A name i try to forget

But lives in my breath

I dreamt of you last night

And i wanted to run to you

Just to feel you

To hug you, to kiss you

To whisper " I missed you"

I dreamt of you last night

And i didn't want to wake up

For the fear of loosing you...again

hectic day ends

It's been a hectic day at work with lots of stupidities and pressures. Then there are some unwanted pressures created for the sake of irritating logical human. 

At the end of the day, after some 3 cups of coffee and a bajji, the only thing I needed was air. I was suffocating and i needed some fresh air. What a better way than a walk in the opposite direction where the Lord of Thrissur resides. While everyone visits him with prayers I went there to relax, to breathe, to absorb some sunlight and warmth of friends.

And the best end of the hectic day has been a glass of spirit, sprite and chips spent in front of the idiot box

July 1, 2022

Every year July 1st is celebrated in our bank as the bank formation day and in my district as the district formation day. This July 1st was also the same till around 11.50am.

My friend called me and informed me about a transfer order just uploaded which says that I have been transferred from the present post to that, a branch located in the heart of my town. I was happy and elevated. All this was overshadowed by the fact that i was in my car going to hospital coz my mom was having cardio issues. My prime concern was about her health. I was recieving lots of calls from my colleagues but was not able to attend. Once the doctor ruled out any serious problem i was calm and returned all the calls

Next came a call from one of my association friend/ mentor who mentioned " double dhamaka". I was not able to make any sense of it so I asked him specifically what it was and he told me that i have been rewarded for my work in the present posting. This was an extraordinary news for me and I couldn't believe it. 

My mind travelled to all the misunderstandings and problems I have faced during my tenure in this posting. The pain i endured and the sacrifices my family made but I should say if this day has come into my life it is only because I have a wonderful team with me in this branch and also all the years of mentoring i have recieved from everyone throughout my career

As I step out of this branch today I say I am lucky to have worked with some of the most wonderful geniune people who are dedicated to a common cause:

service 

Thank you team, you shall forever be a memorable posting for various reasons including this 

Mourn the living

I came across a poem by Nikita Gill about mourning the living.

Mourning is always associated to the dead but many a times to dead people. What about all the other deaths, like a dead relationship or a dead marriage or a dead thought or a dead dream

Can't we mourn those too. Why do we never do it? Why don't we revisit our relations or our thoughts or our dreams but we do revisit the memories of the dead person. We try to relive them and we enjoy it but can we revisit our dead relations and say we do enjoy it.

Quite a funny fact that both are our past. A person who is dead to the world but alive in our memories can make us bitter happy  but a person who is alive in the world and dead to us makes us bitter.

Am I prude?

Lately I notice I am loosing temper at everyone. I want things to be exactly as I wish when I wish but that's not how life works.

I am not perfect yet I want things in my life to be perfect. This is something I should never be proud about 

Am i prude?

weird

It's been weird for sometime. A feeling of melancholy. I know I should be happy but it's not the way I feel. There is a feeling of death inside me. The kind one feels when they loose a loved me. I have lost someone I love- myself. I no longer speak my mind, no longer smile nor laugh my heart out. I cant even remember the last time I had an open conversation with anyone. It seems very weird to be restricted to things you hate about yourself. I wish life was much simpler. The rain was dreamy and not disastrous. The summer was bleak and not a heat wave. The winters had snowfalls and not just cold air alone. 

I wonder

I wonder why life is a quest with unfulfilled dreams and unanswered questions...
There is no specific guide no specific mentor. I have absolutely nobody to call my own
The wonders of the universe try to open my mind but i am closed shut to the impossible
I am happy to dwell in the past and fear for my future, weird considering that i was always adventurous.
I dont known when exactly i went from adventurous to the cautious. Its not a change i expected in my self. Is it a part of my growing up? If this is maturity then i rather be immature

Random thoughts

A few days ago when i was travelling by bus i has the most common experience related to travelling in bus in Kerala- touching and groping. I was angry( obviously) that they cant leave me alone ...a lady with lots of white hair. Then a thought crossed my mind...how unlucky we females are and maybe comparetively on this topic even the prostitutes are luckier. Their permission is sought before being touched & if they say " no" it is a NO. many ladies in many households must be suffering from their "NO"s being ridiculed & seen as an inspiration to do further harm. The world is filled with men who are sadists & only interested in being macho. The sadomachoism spoken by Paulo Coelho is very much evident in the so called modern men who are raised with the best of the etiquettes. Sadly, these men are also raised by females who have been oppressed and have had their share of suffering. Still they instill the same thought in these boys when they grow up....i can do whatever i want coz im a male. I wish the world was designed in such a way that every household has a boy & a girl child so that they are both aware of eachother's gender and attitudes

Handle me

Im no flower pot
Im no kitten
Im not fragile like a flower
But im fragile like a bomb
So handle me with care
Else i will explode

A decade of service

A decade of my career was spent in various parts of Karnataka and from 2015 january i have been in bagalkot district. Right from day1 i have cursed this place, hated it for the illiteracy and lack of personal hygiene. I have always felt as an outsider and the only boon was my weekends to Bangalore. But there are many things that i had slowly started appreciating like the food - a well balanced diet of jowar roti, vegetables,  sprouts rice and curd with the chutney that is found towards north karnataka.
The fact that this place made me more accepting towards various kinds of people especially after dealing with a homogeneous crowd of bangalore has helped me grow as an individual. I have dealt with a farmer to the thasildhar to ips officers and understood that the status they hold doesnt define the individual and all everyone wants is just to be heard.
I also appreciate the biggest boon this place has given me: the knowledge of languages. I knew tamil when i left bangalore but today i can interact in kannada, understand urdu and marathi. I wish i had learnt to speak both languages and my biggest fear today is that i will forget whatever i learnt.
I am looking forward to my service in my hometown but somehow the feeling of not belonging to kerala arises very often. People recognise me as an officer from Bangalore circle and in Bangalore i was always a non-kannadiga in their circle. Now the question arises...where do i belong?

Back to Kerala

I am back to my homeland but i dont feel as if i belong here anymore. I am here for many other people not for myself. I hope i can make myself at home again, in my own house but i am feeling very detached as if it is some temporary arrangement
The feeling of being back home should be nostalgic and full of hopes but i am all in for a cultural shock and pressured.
Work pressure, life pressure and other people's pressure of expectations. I am unable to sustain. My clear division of personal and professional life is maligned. This pressure might give me a breakdown or make me run away

I'm Difficult

I'm difficult
Atleast thats what i have been told
Difficult to understand
Difficult to love
Difficult to live with
But i'm easy for you to leave
Easy to forget
Easy to break
I started the difficult journey
All alone and remorse
Blaming myself for whatever happened
Shutting myself out from my people
In process of throwing you out
I threw myself out of my world
Shut myself out and drowned myself in pain
The pain moulded me,built me and lifted me
Made me strong inside and out
Made me harsh and ready to spit fire
The same fire that you left behind.
I am proud of the brashful me
And proud of the woman i shall always be
You called over- independent
And today i call you spineless
You called me a bitch
And today you are the loser
You called me high maintainance
And today you are lowest of the low
You called me over ambitious
But you tried to follow my track
You called me a cunt
But today you're shit without me
I never took revenge I never had time
But sweet karma always finds her way

Thunder & lightning

What if the sky is God's heart? The thunder is his heartbeat and the lightning is showing the different veins... So everytime there is thunder and lightning its just God telling us " Dont worry darling,whatever happens im there for you"