I dreamt of you

I dreamt of you last night

How you stood under a tree

And waited for me to see

I dreamt coz i saw your name

In another dame

A name i try to forget

But lives in my breath

I dreamt of you last night

And i wanted to run to you

Just to feel you

To hug you, to kiss you

To whisper " I missed you"

I dreamt of you last night

And i didn't want to wake up

For the fear of loosing you...again

hectic day ends

It's been a hectic day at work with lots of stupidities and pressures. Then there are some unwanted pressures created for the sake of irritating logical human. 

At the end of the day, after some 3 cups of coffee and a bajji, the only thing I needed was air. I was suffocating and i needed some fresh air. What a better way than a walk in the opposite direction where the Lord of Thrissur resides. While everyone visits him with prayers I went there to relax, to breathe, to absorb some sunlight and warmth of friends.

And the best end of the hectic day has been a glass of spirit, sprite and chips spent in front of the idiot box

July 1, 2022

Every year July 1st is celebrated in our bank as the bank formation day and in my district as the district formation day. This July 1st was also the same till around 11.50am.

My friend called me and informed me about a transfer order just uploaded which says that I have been transferred from the present post to that, a branch located in the heart of my town. I was happy and elevated. All this was overshadowed by the fact that i was in my car going to hospital coz my mom was having cardio issues. My prime concern was about her health. I was recieving lots of calls from my colleagues but was not able to attend. Once the doctor ruled out any serious problem i was calm and returned all the calls

Next came a call from one of my association friend/ mentor who mentioned " double dhamaka". I was not able to make any sense of it so I asked him specifically what it was and he told me that i have been rewarded for my work in the present posting. This was an extraordinary news for me and I couldn't believe it. 

My mind travelled to all the misunderstandings and problems I have faced during my tenure in this posting. The pain i endured and the sacrifices my family made but I should say if this day has come into my life it is only because I have a wonderful team with me in this branch and also all the years of mentoring i have recieved from everyone throughout my career

As I step out of this branch today I say I am lucky to have worked with some of the most wonderful geniune people who are dedicated to a common cause:

service 

Thank you team, you shall forever be a memorable posting for various reasons including this 

Mourn the living

I came across a poem by Nikita Gill about mourning the living.

Mourning is always associated to the dead but many a times to dead people. What about all the other deaths, like a dead relationship or a dead marriage or a dead thought or a dead dream

Can't we mourn those too. Why do we never do it? Why don't we revisit our relations or our thoughts or our dreams but we do revisit the memories of the dead person. We try to relive them and we enjoy it but can we revisit our dead relations and say we do enjoy it.

Quite a funny fact that both are our past. A person who is dead to the world but alive in our memories can make us bitter happy  but a person who is alive in the world and dead to us makes us bitter.

Am I prude?

Lately I notice I am loosing temper at everyone. I want things to be exactly as I wish when I wish but that's not how life works.

I am not perfect yet I want things in my life to be perfect. This is something I should never be proud about 

Am i prude?

weird

It's been weird for sometime. A feeling of melancholy. I know I should be happy but it's not the way I feel. There is a feeling of death inside me. The kind one feels when they loose a loved me. I have lost someone I love- myself. I no longer speak my mind, no longer smile nor laugh my heart out. I cant even remember the last time I had an open conversation with anyone. It seems very weird to be restricted to things you hate about yourself. I wish life was much simpler. The rain was dreamy and not disastrous. The summer was bleak and not a heat wave. The winters had snowfalls and not just cold air alone. 

I wonder

I wonder why life is a quest with unfulfilled dreams and unanswered questions...
There is no specific guide no specific mentor. I have absolutely nobody to call my own
The wonders of the universe try to open my mind but i am closed shut to the impossible
I am happy to dwell in the past and fear for my future, weird considering that i was always adventurous.
I dont known when exactly i went from adventurous to the cautious. Its not a change i expected in my self. Is it a part of my growing up? If this is maturity then i rather be immature

Random thoughts

A few days ago when i was travelling by bus i has the most common experience related to travelling in bus in Kerala- touching and groping. I was angry( obviously) that they cant leave me alone ...a lady with lots of white hair. Then a thought crossed my mind...how unlucky we females are and maybe comparetively on this topic even the prostitutes are luckier. Their permission is sought before being touched & if they say " no" it is a NO. many ladies in many households must be suffering from their "NO"s being ridiculed & seen as an inspiration to do further harm. The world is filled with men who are sadists & only interested in being macho. The sadomachoism spoken by Paulo Coelho is very much evident in the so called modern men who are raised with the best of the etiquettes. Sadly, these men are also raised by females who have been oppressed and have had their share of suffering. Still they instill the same thought in these boys when they grow up....i can do whatever i want coz im a male. I wish the world was designed in such a way that every household has a boy & a girl child so that they are both aware of eachother's gender and attitudes

Handle me

Im no flower pot
Im no kitten
Im not fragile like a flower
But im fragile like a bomb
So handle me with care
Else i will explode

A decade of service

A decade of my career was spent in various parts of Karnataka and from 2015 january i have been in bagalkot district. Right from day1 i have cursed this place, hated it for the illiteracy and lack of personal hygiene. I have always felt as an outsider and the only boon was my weekends to Bangalore. But there are many things that i had slowly started appreciating like the food - a well balanced diet of jowar roti, vegetables,  sprouts rice and curd with the chutney that is found towards north karnataka.
The fact that this place made me more accepting towards various kinds of people especially after dealing with a homogeneous crowd of bangalore has helped me grow as an individual. I have dealt with a farmer to the thasildhar to ips officers and understood that the status they hold doesnt define the individual and all everyone wants is just to be heard.
I also appreciate the biggest boon this place has given me: the knowledge of languages. I knew tamil when i left bangalore but today i can interact in kannada, understand urdu and marathi. I wish i had learnt to speak both languages and my biggest fear today is that i will forget whatever i learnt.
I am looking forward to my service in my hometown but somehow the feeling of not belonging to kerala arises very often. People recognise me as an officer from Bangalore circle and in Bangalore i was always a non-kannadiga in their circle. Now the question arises...where do i belong?

Back to Kerala

I am back to my homeland but i dont feel as if i belong here anymore. I am here for many other people not for myself. I hope i can make myself at home again, in my own house but i am feeling very detached as if it is some temporary arrangement
The feeling of being back home should be nostalgic and full of hopes but i am all in for a cultural shock and pressured.
Work pressure, life pressure and other people's pressure of expectations. I am unable to sustain. My clear division of personal and professional life is maligned. This pressure might give me a breakdown or make me run away

I'm Difficult

I'm difficult
Atleast thats what i have been told
Difficult to understand
Difficult to love
Difficult to live with
But i'm easy for you to leave
Easy to forget
Easy to break
I started the difficult journey
All alone and remorse
Blaming myself for whatever happened
Shutting myself out from my people
In process of throwing you out
I threw myself out of my world
Shut myself out and drowned myself in pain
The pain moulded me,built me and lifted me
Made me strong inside and out
Made me harsh and ready to spit fire
The same fire that you left behind.
I am proud of the brashful me
And proud of the woman i shall always be
You called over- independent
And today i call you spineless
You called me a bitch
And today you are the loser
You called me high maintainance
And today you are lowest of the low
You called me over ambitious
But you tried to follow my track
You called me a cunt
But today you're shit without me
I never took revenge I never had time
But sweet karma always finds her way

Thunder & lightning

What if the sky is God's heart? The thunder is his heartbeat and the lightning is showing the different veins... So everytime there is thunder and lightning its just God telling us " Dont worry darling,whatever happens im there for you"

Monsoon in Bagalkot

Its raining in Bagalkot, maybe my first heavy rain although i am used to drizzles here. I walk in my verandah just enjoying the deep kisses sent from above as i watch the coconut trees dance to the light ahow from above. Maybe its not as romantic as the Kerala monsoons but its definetly a relief from the heat although as always...no power

Narrator

I am the narrator of a story but i am late and i find that the story has already started running on its own. I jump right into the middle of it. Is it a thriller? Romance? Drama? I am totally unaware as i take my spot as the narrator.  Just go with the flow as the characters slowly unfold in front of you and the theme starts to make sense. Its a complicatrd decision on where to pause and where to exert but i let my gut do the work...

Balance

I love lying at the edge of my bed with my head dangling from one side and my legs on the other. Its only my body that is balanced and yet I aim for the sky.

My demons

The demons i fight are not under my bed
They now live right inside my head
They respond to my name
And laugh at the mirror image
They make fun of my hair and body
And tell nobody can love my face
They warn me against the human race
and remind me how unwanted i am
I was an unwanted child, a mistake
Of a mother who never loved my father
I wonder if anyone else can hear my demons
The way they blacken out my happiness
And never let me smile as often as i wish
My demons love me a lot
And expect the same from me
They stop me from loving someone else
And prefer to have me alone for themselves
My demons rule my train of thought
They are my darkest vallies
And the only allies
In this war called life

Eyelashes

Eyelashes are supposed to keep dust out
But for me, it keeps the tears inside
Helps me to hide my true feelings
Brimmed inside my eyes
For me, its a picture of hope
As it flies away in the wind
With the little pray i said
Before i blew on it
My eyelashes doesnt flutter
Nor does it ever shy
It doesnt blacken against a mascara
Nor does it become long and twirled
My eyelashes are simple
Just the way i am

What happens

What happens when gour nightmare
And your day dreams are the same person

What happens the rain brings down dirt
And washes away life

What happens when music drowns her shrieks
And she becomes yet another victim of man

What happens when the drugs to save life
Becomes a lethal combination and takes away a soul

What happens when the guy whom you love
Promises you to someone for some notes

What happens when people forget smile
And frowns at anyone who wishes them

Unable to do anything right

I am unable to read a book, its my favourite past time. I no longer listen to music and no longer enjoy any movies. I no longer feel like travelling or meeting friends. When at work i feel like goibg home just to lie down and when at home i dont feel like getting out of bed. I am hardly active. And my work is definitely affected but it seems i no longer care