I wonder

I wonder why life is a quest with unfulfilled dreams and unanswered questions...
There is no specific guide no specific mentor. I have absolutely nobody to call my own
The wonders of the universe try to open my mind but i am closed shut to the impossible
I am happy to dwell in the past and fear for my future, weird considering that i was always adventurous.
I dont known when exactly i went from adventurous to the cautious. Its not a change i expected in my self. Is it a part of my growing up? If this is maturity then i rather be immature

Random thoughts

A few days ago when i was travelling by bus i has the most common experience related to travelling in bus in Kerala- touching and groping. I was angry( obviously) that they cant leave me alone ...a lady with lots of white hair. Then a thought crossed my mind...how unlucky we females are and maybe comparetively on this topic even the prostitutes are luckier. Their permission is sought before being touched & if they say " no" it is a NO. many ladies in many households must be suffering from their "NO"s being ridiculed & seen as an inspiration to do further harm. The world is filled with men who are sadists & only interested in being macho. The sadomachoism spoken by Paulo Coelho is very much evident in the so called modern men who are raised with the best of the etiquettes. Sadly, these men are also raised by females who have been oppressed and have had their share of suffering. Still they instill the same thought in these boys when they grow up....i can do whatever i want coz im a male. I wish the world was designed in such a way that every household has a boy & a girl child so that they are both aware of eachother's gender and attitudes

Handle me

Im no flower pot
Im no kitten
Im not fragile like a flower
But im fragile like a bomb
So handle me with care
Else i will explode

A decade of service

A decade of my career was spent in various parts of Karnataka and from 2015 january i have been in bagalkot district. Right from day1 i have cursed this place, hated it for the illiteracy and lack of personal hygiene. I have always felt as an outsider and the only boon was my weekends to Bangalore. But there are many things that i had slowly started appreciating like the food - a well balanced diet of jowar roti, vegetables,  sprouts rice and curd with the chutney that is found towards north karnataka.
The fact that this place made me more accepting towards various kinds of people especially after dealing with a homogeneous crowd of bangalore has helped me grow as an individual. I have dealt with a farmer to the thasildhar to ips officers and understood that the status they hold doesnt define the individual and all everyone wants is just to be heard.
I also appreciate the biggest boon this place has given me: the knowledge of languages. I knew tamil when i left bangalore but today i can interact in kannada, understand urdu and marathi. I wish i had learnt to speak both languages and my biggest fear today is that i will forget whatever i learnt.
I am looking forward to my service in my hometown but somehow the feeling of not belonging to kerala arises very often. People recognise me as an officer from Bangalore circle and in Bangalore i was always a non-kannadiga in their circle. Now the question arises...where do i belong?

Back to Kerala

I am back to my homeland but i dont feel as if i belong here anymore. I am here for many other people not for myself. I hope i can make myself at home again, in my own house but i am feeling very detached as if it is some temporary arrangement
The feeling of being back home should be nostalgic and full of hopes but i am all in for a cultural shock and pressured.
Work pressure, life pressure and other people's pressure of expectations. I am unable to sustain. My clear division of personal and professional life is maligned. This pressure might give me a breakdown or make me run away

I'm Difficult

I'm difficult
Atleast thats what i have been told
Difficult to understand
Difficult to love
Difficult to live with
But i'm easy for you to leave
Easy to forget
Easy to break
I started the difficult journey
All alone and remorse
Blaming myself for whatever happened
Shutting myself out from my people
In process of throwing you out
I threw myself out of my world
Shut myself out and drowned myself in pain
The pain moulded me,built me and lifted me
Made me strong inside and out
Made me harsh and ready to spit fire
The same fire that you left behind.
I am proud of the brashful me
And proud of the woman i shall always be
You called over- independent
And today i call you spineless
You called me a bitch
And today you are the loser
You called me high maintainance
And today you are lowest of the low
You called me over ambitious
But you tried to follow my track
You called me a cunt
But today you're shit without me
I never took revenge I never had time
But sweet karma always finds her way

Thunder & lightning

What if the sky is God's heart? The thunder is his heartbeat and the lightning is showing the different veins... So everytime there is thunder and lightning its just God telling us " Dont worry darling,whatever happens im there for you"

Monsoon in Bagalkot

Its raining in Bagalkot, maybe my first heavy rain although i am used to drizzles here. I walk in my verandah just enjoying the deep kisses sent from above as i watch the coconut trees dance to the light ahow from above. Maybe its not as romantic as the Kerala monsoons but its definetly a relief from the heat although as always...no power

Narrator

I am the narrator of a story but i am late and i find that the story has already started running on its own. I jump right into the middle of it. Is it a thriller? Romance? Drama? I am totally unaware as i take my spot as the narrator.  Just go with the flow as the characters slowly unfold in front of you and the theme starts to make sense. Its a complicatrd decision on where to pause and where to exert but i let my gut do the work...

Balance

I love lying at the edge of my bed with my head dangling from one side and my legs on the other. Its only my body that is balanced and yet I aim for the sky.

My demons

The demons i fight are not under my bed
They now live right inside my head
They respond to my name
And laugh at the mirror image
They make fun of my hair and body
And tell nobody can love my face
They warn me against the human race
and remind me how unwanted i am
I was an unwanted child, a mistake
Of a mother who never loved my father
I wonder if anyone else can hear my demons
The way they blacken out my happiness
And never let me smile as often as i wish
My demons love me a lot
And expect the same from me
They stop me from loving someone else
And prefer to have me alone for themselves
My demons rule my train of thought
They are my darkest vallies
And the only allies
In this war called life

Eyelashes

Eyelashes are supposed to keep dust out
But for me, it keeps the tears inside
Helps me to hide my true feelings
Brimmed inside my eyes
For me, its a picture of hope
As it flies away in the wind
With the little pray i said
Before i blew on it
My eyelashes doesnt flutter
Nor does it ever shy
It doesnt blacken against a mascara
Nor does it become long and twirled
My eyelashes are simple
Just the way i am

What happens

What happens when gour nightmare
And your day dreams are the same person

What happens the rain brings down dirt
And washes away life

What happens when music drowns her shrieks
And she becomes yet another victim of man

What happens when the drugs to save life
Becomes a lethal combination and takes away a soul

What happens when the guy whom you love
Promises you to someone for some notes

What happens when people forget smile
And frowns at anyone who wishes them

Unable to do anything right

I am unable to read a book, its my favourite past time. I no longer listen to music and no longer enjoy any movies. I no longer feel like travelling or meeting friends. When at work i feel like goibg home just to lie down and when at home i dont feel like getting out of bed. I am hardly active. And my work is definitely affected but it seems i no longer care

Correct Mistakes

I am a person made out of the mistake i have made in my life although it didnt seem a mistake at that time. It just felt correct
Today, if someone asks me to study some subject that has no relation to my job i will not do it but does my qualification has anything to do with my job...no ways.
Today, if someone tells me to love a person although he might not be your life partner i will never hesitate to say "no"
Today, if someone tells me to do something incorrect i will definitely not find anything adventurous about it
But even today i am making lots of mistakes, just careful not to repeat tje same ones i already made
So, i guess all those mistakes & adventures that i have had made me whatever i am today so it maybe called correct mistakes

Hold you near

I dont like my life without you
It like the morning sky without blue
Its like having coffee without cream
Or like having life without a dream
I dont like not having your hand to touch
And i no longer know what to clutch
When my legs start shivering
And my vision starts blurring
When i need your shoulder the most
Its no longer available at any cost
I dont know where to go from here
But wherever i go, i shall hold you near

Are you happy?

"Are you happy?"
Its an important question that we should ask everyone we meet...why cant it replace "how are you?" Or "how do you do?"

Its a simple question we should ask ourselves when we are doing any work. And if the answer is no just stop doing it.

Dont you think the world will be lighter, friendlier and definitely happier if all the things that we involve ourselves in are things that make us happy

Changes

The notion that changes are inevitable is sometimes just a cliche to protect the change you might have undergone unaware but necessary.
But then there are these moments or things which makes you wish these changes had not happened.
I wish, for example, there was less importance to mobile phones. But even as i write it, i realise i am updating this through my mobile. So, yes, it can and it has replaced a landline/ letter/ telegram and a desktop/ laptop. But is it a necessity?
I think the concept of a need and a want is thinning with changes that are happening around us.

I miss you Appa

I dont know why you had to leave
I was never prepared
Your life was cut short
My heart was broken
I saw the soul leave you
I heard you call out to me
But in a few moments
You became a lifeless body
I put you in a mortuary
And worried if you will be cold
You made me promise i shall not leave
And i took you home with me
Our final journey together
But i wish i could turn time around
And tell you not to leave me alone
I am stranded, frightened and worried
For i shall never be strong again
I have no life left in me
I think it was taken with your soul
I tried my best, Appa
I hope you do know that
I gave you a kiss
I held your hand
I touched your feet
I brushed your hair
But its your soul i miss
And the time we shared
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you